A glimpse of the real me... but it is not who I am.

So y'all have heard that it is flooding in the Fargo Moorhead Area. Right now, Amy and the kids are up with her folks. They have been up there since Thursday of last week because we figured that it would be easier to get them out of here in a car rather than a boat. I have been walking though paths of furniture this last week because we yanked everything up from the basement. I am going to put the furniture back down in the basement tonight... (although we might be at the same level in regard to the crest in a couple of weeks.) But there is no way we are going to stay apart for another 2 weeks and we can't bring the kids home without getting the furniture back down in the basement. So it has been a life in chaos for the last few days.

It has been lonely... and if I am going to be real, I must admit that when I am by myself, that is when Satan works on me the most in regard to the temptation of pornography. I hate that word and I hate to admit that it has been and continues to be a struggle for me... but it is, and it has been for a long time. What's that saying...? First step is admitting that you have a problem... Well I do. Is it an addiction or a choice? It's a choice at first, but then it quickly becomes an addiction. For me, it's this war that rages inside of me and sometimes I win and sometimes I don't. It doesn't help that sex is everywhere... so trying to keep your eyes pure is hard. I have taken steps to keep me accountable. For one, Amy knows about it and the transparency helps. I don't want to disappoint her... She is an amazing women and loves me in spite of my issues and vices. We all have them, just not willing to admit them. But it is hard to fathom a God willing to give me a wife that will stick along side of me and be a friend to help me win the battles. He knew what I needed and designed Amy to be that perfect help mate... and while I truly don't feel I deserve her, she is a reminder of God's Grace every day. I had a friend call me last night who also struggles with this same issue... unexpected call and I am glad that he called. Let me know that he was praying for me and that I came to mind because he knew I was alone at home. You know, I really believe that this is issue is a big problem for many Christian men and that many of us don't deal with it because we don't want anyone to know that we have a problem. Pride gets in the way and eventually, it will lead to death if we don't deal with it. I think the biggest reason I want to deal with it is because eventually I have to stand before the Lord and give an account for my actions here on earth. My fear/reverence for the Lord causes me to be so afraid of standing in front of him because I have failed him so many times in so many ways. I wish I could say that I have lived a life with no regrets, but I can't. Can anyone? I am sure there are a few... unfortunately, I am not one of them. I forget that he loves me like a son and that there is Love in His eyes. Still scared. ... just being real. But I am not going to let my fear keep me from taking steps in His direction. I just wish I didn't have to deal with this. If I am in the Word, then I don't struggle as much, so I need to be in the Word daily. I do have a computer program that holds me accountable, and I downloaded a program for my iPod Touch as well. So I am continuing to take the appropriate steps.

Anyway, although this is what I have struggled with and who I have been at times, it is not who I am. Sometimes I ask myself, "Who am I?" My answer is this:

I am a man with struggles and personal sins;

I am a husband of a loving wife;

I am father who does not want his sons (or daughters)to have to struggle/deal with the same issue;

I am an adopted son of the living God who loves me as His own... who wants to see me have victory over this in my life;

I am a man trying to do the right thing;

I am a man who has experienced both victory and failure;

I am a man with wars going on inside of me... I am tired and I have scars, but I am one who is not content with the status quo... one who realizes the importance of living a life that is pleasing to God.

So, who am I? I guess I am still figuring it out, but each day as I walk with the Lord, I am one day closer to figuring it out.