A little introspection is not a bad thing...

I had a sobering experience yesterday that has made me really think about some things. To set the background, we were planting the garden yesterday and the soil was pretty moist... so along with wet soil comes mud. Now, Jake ran up to the house to get some water and I went up there to get something after him... and as I got into the house there was Jake scrambling to take his shoes off inside the door. Mud was everywhere. The following conversation occurred.

Dad: Did you wear your shoes in the house?
Jake: Yeah, I forgot!
Dad: You better clean it up or mom is going to be UP-set.
Dad: Get the broom and start sweeping...
*Dad walks past the stairs*
Dad: Did you walk all the way up to your bedroom with your shoes on??
Jake: Yeah. Gosh! I am such a forgetter!
Dad: Make sure you sweep your room and the stairs. (We have hardwood floors.)

Jake's next comments are really what bothered me... as I am doing something in the living room and Jake is sweeping the floor, Jake says, "I am such a forgetter. I am SUCH a nobody right now."

Now I quickly responded: "Jake, that's not true... you're always somebody." But I can't help but think that there is something that we (I) have done to make my son think he is a nobody. Now, I am not looking for sympathy from my readers with this statement, I am just stating that I need to re-evaluate some of my actions so I know that I am making sure that Jake knows that he is a somebody. That he is special. I have stated before, that I am pretty rough on Jake. More so than the girls. For some reason, I treat him older than he actually is... and don't give him a chance to Just Be A Kid. I am working on it, but change happens slowly. I tend to yell too much. (I would call it raising my voice, but Sydney and the kids would tell you differently.) This morning I blew it. Jake was being goofy as he was getting ready for school and he prettended he was falling over on our bed and cracked his head on our headboard. I didn't give him the chance to cry... I said, "There you go... that's what you get for dinking around." Mr. Compassionate, I know. But then I raised my voice and said, " Go get your shoes on." No sympathy from me. Anyway, as he was putting his shoes on I went to him and told him, "I am sorry for yelling... I was wrong." Of course he forgave me... but kids are funny that way. Full of grace. Quick to forgive, quick to forget. However, this doesn't excuse my actions; I need to work on this so my son doesn't think that he is "such a nobody"... at anytime in his life.

In Jake's words, "I am such a nobody right now."
Of course I am being hard on myself... but like Jake tracking mud into the house... we all screw up. The "damage" he caused can be swept up. However, the damage caused by me when I yell can not be fixed quite so easily. It is imperative that I work on this. I am just hoping that the damage is not beyond repair. Wish I could flip a switch and have immediate change. But you know what they say... the sins of the father are the sins of the son... I need to break this chain.

(Sorry but I am making the request that no comments be left on this one... My web log is a place to write everything down... even my failures... I know I would get a lot of encouragement... or people saying that I am being too hard on myself... but sometimes it is good to be "too hard on yourself." A little introspection and reflection is good... especially if it invokes change.)