Realizing that you are falling short is never a fun thing.
So I have been thinking lately... I think my kids are scared of me at times. It is a sad and humbling realization that I am falling short of being the father that God wants me to be. And what bothers me more... I know that the characteristics that I display through my actions tend to be the same attributes that my kids will assign to their Heavenly Father. Not a good thing.
I grew up under a father who had a quick temper... who, when he was in a good mood, his love was evident... but then when he was in a bad mood... love was not there. Love was somehow conditional. It still is to a certain extent... but... I left, so I don't have to deal with his fits of rage anymore. Unfortunately, as a result, I struggle against this idea that God's Love is unconditional. It's hard for me to believe. Do I believe it? Not sure. I have to, but I am not sure if I am there yet.
...anyway, back to my kids... unfortunately for them, I too have a short fuse.
When I was a kid, I remember lighting firecrackers on the Fourth of July. Most of them went off without much effort... but every now and again, one would have a fuse that would stop burning. I remember approaching it cautiously not knowing if and when it would go off and when you did light it again, the fuse was so short that you couldn't get away fast enough and it scared the crap out of you. That's me. My kids approach me cautiously because they don't know which dad they will encounter. Honestly, it depends on the day.
What can I say? I am my father's son. It's not an excuse because I know that even though this is the case, it is unacceptable. I need to change. I just don't know how to change something that is so ingrained in me. I need to break the mold though so my kids, particularly my sons, don't end up like me... so that none of them have the same perception of God that I do...
I guess that as I think about this... it also becomes evident that I can't change it by myself. It is apparent that only as I walk more closely with my Heavenly Father will I begin to display His image... Only then will I display Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Gentleness, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness and Self Control. And only as I am able to display these attributes will my kids' perspective change... only then will they truly find me "approachable."
As I begin to change, only then will they have a perspective of the true attributes of God.
I only wish walking closer seemed easier... it's worth the effort... but am I willing? It is definately a struggle of my will against His good and perfect will.
posted by Greg at 12:06 PM
7 Comments:
I commend you for your raw honesty Ben.
It's not easy. We all have attributes that we've learned from our parents that are hard to shake. At least you are aware of it, and are trying. You are doing the right thing by walking closer to your Father.
Be honest with your kids. Apologize when you explode, explain to them that you are trying not to lose your temper, that you are looking to God for help in this area, and constantly reassure them of your love for them.
Keep praying Ben. God is doing a good work in you.
I too am lifting you in prayer today.
1:08 PM
Oh man, I totally feel you. The thing my mother ingrained in me: my yelling. She used to always yell at us when she was frustrated, or tired or for any reason. And on some days, I find myself doing the very thing that I despised when I was a kid. It is getting much better, but it is so hard that somedays I just have to shut myself in my room and turn some music up really loud and just take many, many deep breaths.
It is so hard. Escpecially that "walking closer" thing. So hard.
2:29 PM
Oh my, we deal with same thing in our household. My husband's father was and is a hot head. Quick tempered and has to be in C O N T R O L! My husband has been dealing with the same issue for years...we continue to pray that this generation sin would be broken so our sons don't have to deal with it. Soooo wish we lived in the same town...it would be great for my hubby to have someone he felt he could relate to and someone to hold him accountable. I know one thing that my husband is doing that is helping reprogram his mind and emotions is studying scriptures on "quick tempered". Our children react the same way...I know he hates it...especially our daughter. But God's grace is sufficient. My husband, when he has a bad day (yells throws things, etc) will go upstairs after the kids go to bed lay his hands on them and pray that the Lord's grace would cover his sin and that the children not would be effected by it. Not that that is a cure all but I believe God sees his heart and effort and will honor his prayers....sorry for the long comment. Hang in there....you can do all things through Christ....even change deep rooted patterns. oh, one more thought...the Lord showed my husband that most of the time is temper is triggered by fear...fear of losing control...and other fears...just a thought.
10:17 PM
The thing is that we all know how we were raised, the mistakes our parents made, and how we are both similar and different than those who raised us.
And we're given a choice.
We just need to decide how to respond to that choice: with our children, spouse, family and friends.
It's hard at times. But you'll get through it. And I'm confident you'll do well, look back on these years, and be amazed at how God shaped not only you, but also your family.
2:27 PM
I know how you feel, Ben. I remember saying, "when I'm a parent I'll never..." and the first time I realized I was doing what I said I'd never do, I was crushed. I'll be praying for you. I'm dealing with my own parenting flaws myself, so I know prayer and seeking God is key in overcoming our flesh!
11:49 AM
Ben,
It is a hard thing to step back and really look at ourselves. I say you're on the right track!!
Ok I am up and running now at a different site. FINALLY!
http://huladoula.com
HUGS to you and your family!
7:51 PM
I read this Ben and waited and came back to comment. Mostly because I was afraid I would say something out of anger. Which is dumb, you already know you are messing up, which is good, but it is funny because you seem like such an easy going guy that I didn't expect to hear you say that your kids were sometimes scared of you. This type of behavior is what makes guys like me end up in counseling. As you may have noticed from some of my posts, my life was far from perfect and most of the reasons that I am the way I am today is because of my father and his behavior toward me. I think for some guys it affects us more than others. Fathers are rarely perfect. I'm 30 and unmarried and afraid sometimes of commitment and afraid that I won't ever settle down and be "normal". But if I ever do, I don't fear having kids or being a good father. I hope to learn from my father's mistakes. There was A LOT to learn from, but he didn't mess up all the time and i try to remember that too.
Love you guys and I'll be praying for all of you. Remember to pray for me too.
Thanks.
1:35 PM
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